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lyrics

it all started with closed eyes, and a feeling in my gut telling me i need to keep them shut the whole time. because if they opened even for a second and i saw your lips they'd suck me in like black holes when they bend light. and it was then i realized that you were not my world, you were my universe. sometimes when i look up i see stars that cut through the sky and fade quickly into nothingness and i pray that you aren't as fleeting, because when we're lying in roads i get the same feeling. that gravity will just turn off and i'll fall endlessly into something much larger than i am, and i wonder if that's what it feels like to die and if i'll ever understand god in my lifespan. because i want to see god. i want to know what god feels like.

but with the weight of the bible i will break adam's ribs and repeat, "my dear eve, you do not take after this."
you were not made in a man's image. but if that's the case, why do you feel so lost in the empty space that his hand isn't. why do i wait wondering how long it'll take you to admit it. i'd rather keep my mouth shut than start to say what i can't finish. baby i have limits. i have limits.

i'm singing 'la la la' in empty rooms that carry sounds like hollow caves. 'la la la' just to prove you're not the only one that can occupy a borrowed space. 'la la la' for every ship that was set to sail but got washed away. i'm singing 'la la la' in desperate hopes that when it bounces back i hear the octave change. so if we could just pretend that your voice exists inside this empty void within then holy shit, holy shit, holy shit if you spoke insomnia might loosen it's wholesome grip on my throat. and i could begin to forgive you for admitting the hoax, instead of learning to hate you for every minute you don't. because i sit here wondering if anything you said was true, and who it was who taught you to speak bullets without considering the exit wound. tell me who.

because i still think back to the first time you called me with nothing to say. that morning you were more than just my friend and we both noticed something had changed. you drove to your parents house and we talked about everything. we talked about how much it sucked, but no matter what we had to remain nothing. and in that deafening silence, i asked if i could still call you my snowflake.

and you said, "okay."

credits

from old soil (spoken word pieces from 2012​-​2013), released July 18, 2018

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flatsound California

poet, songwriter, sound artist.

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