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scotland, i wish you had stayed.

by flatsound

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1.
2.
66666666 01:46
"i’ve seen you in that same dress at least one billion times i can’t feel my head i also saw how often you say goodbye"
3.
fading 03:11
"every day reminds me that i still exist but don't deserve to be here for what i did maybe things were never supposed to be this good if that's the case i'm grateful for who you were because who you were was real i've adapted to this normal pace and found comfort in every day but the pattern that has kept me safe is fading now i'm crawling through the mess i've made it stains my clothes with awful shades that scream that i deserve the fate i've chosen and all this emotion was wasted from the depths of the ocean from the bottom of the sea i said i'm sorry, i'm sorry. nothing i can say now would justify a thing just know i'm sorry, i'm sorry."
4.
5.
"i fell asleep with the television on i missed all of your phone calls and slept through the alarm am i late? am i too late to see you? are you mad i didn't get to meet you? with a phone in your pocket and holes in your shoes you went to monterey without a boy to sing to you you always said, "this is where i want to live my life, with or without you." i'm not gone you just make it hard to talk i had a dream that i rose from the dead and all my fears were flower pedals on my bed and the wind lifted them off me as a man spoke to me sofly he said he lived in a town who washed all their clothes in a public river with blood drippin' from there toes are you strong? have you come here to save me? i said are you real? he said, "i'm as real as you make me" bum bum badum bum clap your heels when you can bum bum badum bum just don't thrive on being sad bum bum badum bum admit when you've done your wrongs bum bum badum bum and you know i've done a lot bum bum badum bum i'm so sorry that i left bum bum badum bum before i told you what you meant bum bum badum bum tell your family i said hi bum bum badum bum i hope they're doing fine i just wanted to say i hope you're okay and i hope everything worked itself out along the way you are strong, because you were there to save me you are real, yeah you're as real as you made me"
6.
"when you were a child on the farm you saw him pin her by the weight of his arms so she left in the night when you were in bed and took your trust when she left you're already hurt im scared that if you put your trust in me i'll make it worse i'll hurt you i picked a flower from the stem and watched it die in my hands and i screamed, "oh my god i did it again, im destroying innocence so i can't stay my heart's too weak to think about the way you use to say i miss you"
7.
"summer time was not a lie but just a feeling that we got and i know you feel alone, too but this heat is not for us i know i wanted to go into the valley where it snows but i realized, this place is too cold to live my life im sorry, sorry i couldn't go on with these lies while im kissing your nose i wasn't ready, i should have known that this would happen lets stop these words, they're turning cold lets treat this goodbye like a simple hello you're still so young, you have room to grow into something amazing you'll sleep tight, i know this feels right but theres something you should understand when the leaves change, after three days you wont remember who i am im not calling you out its just you sound like her when you open your mouth and i cant live with the chance that this feelings ever coming back so no, you're not what i need the words you say they're the orange in the trees and i just need to sleep im so sick of always counting sheep i've been feeling so ill is this all in my thoughts? this feeling i get when i want you to rot for all the things and all the pain you caused if we see eachother we wont stop and stare yeah i'd rather you treat me like i wasn't there i dont hate you, but honey, this still hurts but i still have the things i've had from the start this pen in my pocket, this rusted guitar and the courage to sing this pain away"
8.
9.
"no, go away please, its not as easy to forget how you punched her in the mouth and you ask why she goes away and doesn't call you dad out loud until she's crushed by your embrace please, look at me Sheryl, are you still with me? be a good girl and put on your special jeans no one ever needs to see those secret marks you've earned from me on those beautiful knees don't be scared my little special girl i'm the one going to hell for this"
10.
47 fights 02:40
"you called me just now i want to know what your dream was about and if i was made a man you looked at me and said i’m not ready for bed and if we could kill ourselves? there were 40 other people in the room no no no i thought about it and you were the only one did you put up your hair? i know it’s been three years but i felt inclined to ask why it was you left before i could clean up the mess that i made of 2006 was it the 47 fights we had a day? and the thoughts that kept me thinking i wasn’t the only one was it us ruining a special little girl i heard she’s doing so much better without pollution in her world i have to go, i think he just came home"
11.
"there you are, no there you are i thought i saw you at the park but i am not allowed to come you, to come to you no matter how much i want to tell you i'm sorry for making this, for making this the hardest thing you ever did but i wasn't alone you came by in your fathers car and wouldn't leave until it had gotten dark she's not dumb, she knows everything you came by with a little smirk that said i touched her before work i know she knows everything you came by with a little plan that said i fucked her before class i'm not dumb, you know everything you came by and i was puking up everything i considered love i'm not dumb, i know everything."
12.
"baby please, it's the way you speak forming words so easily and i think of the way you think it keeps me from falling asleep in that grave i call a bed until you called me up and said "i haven't stopped crying my father's been drinking i need a place to stay i don't want to be here he's saying the words that he promised he would never say that liquid he consumes makes him speak the truth" and i said no, its not that at all its that bottles of lies for a troubled heart its standing on the edge of a mountain top screaming anything he wants like, "look at me, because i exist" i remember the way you shook its a shame that we're not soul mates because if i didn't know better i'd say this feels pretty good how could i be scared? when i stretch and feel that you're there so shut your mouth because these words will speak themselves i can feel them in these blankets and they're surrounding your figure embraced in the quilts and i cant help but think you're my missing puzzle piece i wake up in the hallway, i'm looking for sunlight with rays that will cure me of the pain that keeps my lungs tight ignoring the voices and feelings that tell me to get out of this house i cant make them stop i'm just like my mom and you said no, these demons will fall you're so precious to us all and i said i cant do this alone i still need you to hold so don't let go, because i'm afraid"
13.

about

Songs written and recorded between 2007-2009.

credits

released September 9, 2009

The lovely photograph used for this downloadable release was taken by Benjamin Kinzer.

benjaminkinzer.com

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flatsound California

poet, songwriter, sound artist.

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