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i clung to you hoping we'd both drown

by flatsound

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1.
intro 04:13
2.
old lumina 03:03
you stand so still- you stand so still like the pillar- the pillar you stand behind and i have no limbs, i’m just a head in your lap i can’t believe i let it get this bad because all i want to do is play Sega and touch my girlfriend in her old Lumina i can tell by the way you talk you know everything so tell me everything ♪ la da da ♫ would you like- would you like to give me kisses? the pitter patter of your feet that scream you’re mine, and that makes you weak you’re unaccepted for everything i like that you need me to survive it’s cold, why don’t you come inside? because all i want to do is play Sega and think about the people that have hurt me and talk like i did before you were everything why are you everything? all i want to do is fall asleep until the sun explodes and everyone is forced to start over.
3.
we'll live 02:12
well i’m huntin’ down the rabbit holes i saw out by the lake you told me they grow farther from the water when it rains i met a man who promised everyone that he had changed but there he was by the river with a rock attached to his waist if it rains the crops will grow twice as big if it doesn’t rain we’ll live with an apple in my mouth i bit off more than i can chew but wash it down with whiskey and i’m left thinking of you when maple leaves are autumn green there’s nothing i can do but wait for them to change into something with value so when my leaves grow dark and old they’ll be kept alive by the stories told because every word has kept me warm even when it’s as cold as this i’m not alone / your face is as white as snow when you said if it rains the crops will grow twice as big if it doesn’t rain i wont give a shit because there will be a cityscape where that pasture is so if it doesn’t rain we’ll live.
4.
mother - i'm calling for you mother you've been gone for too long, why'd you go? is this what you think it means to be responsible? hospital - you stayed in the hospital trying to convince the nurse to give you sedatives you said, "i'll give anything to make this all go away" baby love - i'm singing to you baby love please don't tell me we're giving up i need you to be strong for the both of us i'm a little baby bird, being pushed out of its nest climbing back up the trees admitting i'm weaker than the rest little honey pie, i'm broken but i'll try to fix you along with me tonight i won't stop until we're fine
5.
i went to class, you didn't show up i thought we said that we'd keep in touch walk through town, disassembled on a crutch just like you did when you were in love i left the house and i didn't miss much you opened your mouth and i lost my trust yeah i left the house for the first time in months for the first time in months now here i am, disassembled as a whole when i got home i lost control
6.
live up 03:17
sunshine came through every corner, peeking through the shades it doesn’t have to fade, no nothing has to change so i can go to sleep, finally and i, i know nothing about the past all i know is that it’s passed so i can’t blame you for that and you, you’re sleeping in my bed and you’ve lied to me again i can smell it on your breath so live up to the name you’ve been making for yourself i know it can be hell, but you need to think about your health and you know we haven’t spoken since christmas eve but out of the gifts under the tree your voice was the best that i’d received i just miss you more that i ever cared to explain or admit to your face, before you’d gone away you, all you left me was your blood when you showed me what you’ve done in a desperate search for love and i, i know nothing about the past all i know is that it’s passed and it’s never coming back so we can go to sleep, finally
7.
last night you had that dream again, the one where you try and run from your fears but you can’t because you’re wearing fabulous stilettos. if i were the boss of you i’d make you get out of my head for good, but i’m not so when this ship sinks i’ll have the comfort of knowing i wasn’t in charge. i don't want to write a song, i want to write a will in which you get nothing from me. all i am is a kid in my mothers closet looking for an excuse to say “this doesn’t hurt, at least not anymore”. then hatred, the kind of hatred that makes a father call his own son a faggot. i wish you were dead. there was a light in my closet, i could have sworn the sun was rising. there was a light in my chest. don’t leave me, noah. we had a promise. you told me the universe could help me if i just let it. i told you i made a map of our old house leading to the X on my stomach, when you cut me open you’ll find a note that says, “this is where i hurt”. i found a new way to talk to god. you told me i was brutally murdered in a past life. why did you say it like that? i haven’t felt the same since. if i were the sun i’d shine my light on you and leave the people that hurt you cold. if you were a girl you’d be a whore who likes to suck dick. when i was 15 i overheard my teacher talking to a girl privately about raising her grade in history, i bet she was a pretty girl. this message was brought to you by all the cats in my life meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow~
8.
we’re fighting again we’re fighting again, more than usual try and pretend that this is normal but it isn’t right, the damage that we do to your body all those scratches on your little arms are spelling “i’m sorry about being me. a skinny less perfect oprah winfrey” i’ll sleep on the couch, just say when bring me a cat to be my best friend because it isn’t like you ever said that you were committed to the thought of me and only me when he hasn’t written you in seven weeks. that’s when i come in and it isn’t like you ever said that i was your hobby i can’t believe i spent all morning trying to tell you i’m sorry about yesterday. when you would have done the same i grow you like my hair cut you off when i get scared if everyone in class stares you don’t care, you don’t care.
9.
it's turning on the tv when we were fourteen you said, "my moms asleep, we won't get caught. what do you want to watch?" and i could hear the traffic that i know you're ignoring but i let it into my life to thicken to air i breathe it was at the bus stop that a woman cried and i could tell she was different by the look in her eyes i don't know what she said but i felt what she meant in her honesty and i went to your house that night and i told you about the woman's eyes and the words in her mouth and how i wouldn't mind taking her advice one day but i'm the cowardly lion i'll leave quietly if that means another chance to commemorate what we had when we were happy this isn't a love song, no not in the least i just miss you watching my tv when i'm writing, so i can hear you laughing i swear to god i still hear you when i close my eyes and you'd tell me i'm not going to die like you used to before i did this you're the sunlight that i wished would leave i'm the raincloud i don't wanna be because the more you're gone the more i grow pale
10.
you said take the violin that you hang on your wall stick it under your bed before it crumbles and falls just dont open your eyes before counting to ten i can hardly remember, just the smell of your hands as they danced on my body, running over my pores with the force of steering wheel crushing my bones i said you smell like the devil but you feel like the lord and when i think of perfection you know i’m thinking of your voice when you tell me you dont call him your baby because that was the name that you rightfully gave me and its foolish to share with someone else and my heart goes bum bum bum bum bum but you admit that you’re lonely, you’re as cold as a statue pleading ‘fuck me’ on the marble that was used to create you i cant stand that you’re talking when you shouldn’t be living i didn’t dodge all your bullets i just denied that they hit me so when my body is bleeding i wont admit that this hurts because admitting isn’t fixing so then what is it worth so to say you’re unhappy is like saying you’re sorry its nothing that i care to hear so now the tears in your jeans are the holes in your armor you’re the thoughts that i feared, you’re the mountain i’ve conquered if i told you i loved you would you reach out and touch me you taste like the ocean and your body’s disgusting the only reason you breathe is to sleep through the night the only reason you speak is to tell me i’m fine the only reason you breathe is to sleep through the night the only reason you speak is to state that you’re mine and my heart goes bum bum bum bum bum
11.
tonight will be like last night if it wasn’t we wouldn’t be here you said - i’d rather be dead than live with regret / then you killed me you left me a note that said i wish we had just gone to bed instead we broke the rules all that i have left are thoughts that tell me “this could have worked” because we both think the best part of that whole song was skipping ahead to nicki minaj and i refuse to let that go out of all the things you left behind this photograph shows the things you like and i will not make the same mistake twice i woke up to find / i wasn’t alive
12.
last night i had another one of those dreams, the ones where you constantly wake up only to realize you're still dreaming. i saw spiders in my sheets - the fear had woken me up. i jumped out of bed and noticed the spiders were still there biting at my feet - the fear had woken me up. i jumped out of bed, checked my sheets, checked my feet, looked my brother in the eyes and started telling him about my terrible dreams. he then fearlessly pointed at the two enormous love making spiders behind me taking up most of my wall with their screaming bodies. it sang to me in the key of guns guns guns guns guns. the fear had woken me up once more. i lied there long enough to notice an awful pain in my stomach. if your chest was a wall i'd punch a hole through it you're so much prettier than you mothers maiden name her whore name, the name she embraced as a whore. i want to watch you rot. but i know the pain my stomach is still going to be there when i wake up, so what's the point? i'd rather go back to sleep and watch those spiders fuck.
13.
macie, macie - put your lightest foot in front of you with your hand on my belt i did what you were gonna do and this is the night i realize i'm broken it makes me feel good, makes me feel pretty so spit in my mouth and me baby take a step outside, put your feet on the ground you said if you left now he won't hear a sound this is the time i'm bustin' out, i'm bustin' out we sat on the bus in womens clothing i said you should be in school, i should be recording i should be recording.
14.
i used to take the bus to the ocean to the spot you said to meet i walked past everyone i didn't want to see and with the sun at its departure and your body close to me every word was spoken nervously i know you never really liked people i didn't mean to make that worse i'd give everything i am for who you were i've got a cross buried in my mind swaying with the morning breeze crucify my baby as i sleep and i know that time is against but we really need to speak because i'm so sick of waking halfway through an apology i'm sorry for the letter i didn't expect you to respond i guess that's what it's like when you're gone now i'm dying for a friday one where i actually leave i still know the roads that take me to your street
15.
hi - i know i promised that we'd talk more it's just i - i'm surprised you even want to talk at all well you can refer to me as the one who still calls nervously because i'm so scared that you still think i'm the one who gave up when i wasn't the only one who'd given up and the plans we made we never mistakes they just didn't work for us so don't go pointing blame at the ones who made you smile you always knew the deal that we made and what this was worth that we'd try until the time it stopped being fun and felt like real work and i wasn't the only one who's feeling tired of all the shit you gave and the dick you made me into so i tried, i swear to god i did, but the truth is this: us, and everything it was, just wasn't enough
16.
outro 06:00
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credits

released March 10, 2011

album artwork courtesy of Benjamin Kinzer. thank you to everyone who helped put this together. you're in the booklet.

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flatsound California

poet, songwriter, sound artist.

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